Ayden’s Law

 

I am afraid I have been dilatory over the past couple of weeks – with people asking me, encouraging me, no telling me to write a blog on Ayden’s law www.aydenslaw.org .  But I have held back – not because I didn’t have anything to say – but that what I want to say needs to be measured as I think some people, especially the supporters of this law, will find it problematic to hear what a campaigner for the rights of bullied children is about to write. The problem is I think they want me to write in absolute favour of it – and I am afraid I am a bit wary of doing that.

Laws made in the heat of the moment by angry, sad, traumatised people, mothers, fathers, grandparents, or friends of victims are not, usually, the most comprehensive, well-founded or clear. Laws need to be unemotional, unequivocal, without sentiment and above all fair.

And to make a law which criminalises children who bully makes me shudder.

The fourth of their proposals (and by the way I thoroughly agree with the first three which may well help to reduce the incidence of bullying) aims to provide “Justice for Victims”.  According to their literature this will be done “by introducing for the first time into criminal law a new summary offence of bullying and intimidation which would prohibit behaviour that causes physical and mental harm to another child, teacher, professional or member of the public”.

Under that law, if a child was found to be acting in a way that could cause physical or mental harm to another person, they could be charged and prosecuted.  No, surely this is not the way to go!

My contention is that children are not born knowing how to bully, intimidate, humiliate and ostracise.  They learn it.  They learn it from the television, advertisements and the media and at the hands of their parents, siblings, other children in nursery and primary school and may I say teachers – many of whom use these methods as a way of getting what they want be that toys, bedtimes, TV programmes, clean plates, control in classrooms or homework handed in.  Perhaps they don’t know what else to do.

So if children are to unlearn how to bully a range of unlearning and re-learning has to happen; they need to learn that this behaviour is wrong, become aware of the hurt it causes, find other ways of getting what they want (people off their backs, the item they want, the position in the queue, in the game, or in the team) and we as adults, teachers, parents, social workers, police officers must employ better strategies for helping them learn different and effective ways of behaving.

But please let us not criminalise children for using bullying behaviour!

Live a life to do with beauty: Shane Koyczan at TED2013

Reblogged from TED Blog:

Spoken-word poet and artist Shane Koyczan is onstage at TED, sharing his own experiences and charming us silly. This is an intimate, heartfelt look into a life that has not always been easy. "I've been shot down so many times I get altitude sickness just from standing up for myself," he says.

Being told to stand up for yourself is a common response to trouble.

Read more… 310 more words

So many of our friends and supporters have been touched by this remarkable and deeply touching Ted Talk by Shane Koyczan, we thought we'd share this post which also holds the link to the stunning collaborative animation that went viral prior to the talk.

Enough is enough

What can you say to a parent when a child dies before his time – at the age of fourteen?  And how much more difficult is it to think of something helpful to say to a mother whose son takes his own life because of bullying?  A life wasted, a child’s potential not realised because another child – or group of children – made his life so miserable, so unbearable, so frightening that death was preferably to facing the tormentors again.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2293749/My-son-bullied-death-says-child-abuse-campaigner-Suicide-boy-14-brings-fresh-anguish-woman-exposed-stepfather-rapist.html?ITO=1490&ns_mchannel=rss&ns_campaign=1490

And of course the spotlight must fall on our schools.  What should schools be doing – what should the teachers be doing – or does the problem lie elsewhere?

I would like to suggest that the problem lies with the government’s obsession with targets, exams and academic superiority.  Not that I am against this on all levels – we must have schools where children reach their academic potential – but this needs to be measured against the need to develop rounded, well-balanced, emotionally astute and kind, sensitive human beings and I am not sure that we still have that as a central tenet in our education system.

If our teachers are exhausted, ground down by never ending targets, fiercer and fiercer Ofsted inspections (now with just four hours notice), tighter rules and regulations, a greater emphasis on exam results and national standards – where is the time in the school day to learn how to be a human being?

Where is the time in the already crowded school day for classroom discussions about the difference between appropriate and inappropriate behaviour, for learning about feelings and how they are expressed differently by each person, for recognising and reading body language and, above all, for caring for each other, taking responsibility for those less confident, less able and less popular and being able to create a community where everyone has a role, where everybody has a stake and where everyone believes they belong.

We have seen in America the frightful consequences of the bullied child who grows up and one day – at the end of their tether, angry and outraged at the treatment they have received at the hands of their peers for months and in some cases years – takes a gun and creates devastation by taking the lives of innocent (and maybe not so innocent) peers.

The other side of this is that in some cases the bullied child takes their own life.

Enough is enough.  Let there be no more deaths of children who could not turn to a teacher for help because the relationship was not there.  We don’t want teachers so busy with the curriculum and targets that the human side of their job is squeezed out.  We don’t want children having to deal with such unpleasant behaviour that they want to die.  We don’t want the children doing the bullying thinking that that is an OK way to treat their peers.

Let’s stop and think. And restore more personal and social time in schools where children can learn about the fragility of the human ego.

Those who work in the charity of which I am the CE know a broken child when they see one, know how to help children learn about relationships, and their part in them, how to make them, how to end them (carefully), and how to be sure that each person retains their self-respect. Our students learn to read body language, to respect difference, to use restorative justice as a way of making amends, and much more – but all this takes time. At Red Balloon we make sure we do have the time.  In mainstream school, I am afraid, these things lose out.

For the sake of our children – let’s find the time for them. 

How Would You Answer This Question?

What is the connection between the following?

Claims of sexual harassment at the heart of the Lib Dem hierarchy

Claims that Cyril Fletcher sexually abused young boys in care

Children missing education because of severe bullying

Answer: The three most important common features are – abuse of power, the silence of bystanders, and the consequences.

Let me take each of these separately.

Abuse of Power

Power lies at the heart of sexual abuse, sexual harassment and bullying.  The person responsible – the perpetrator – has more power than the person he/she is victimising.  This may be because they are in a position of authority or have public standing, fame or popularity (take Jimmy Savile as another example).  It may be because of their physical size, colour (skin, hair), ability (as opposed to disability), sex or another attribute.  Whichever it is, and it may be a combination of a number of these, the person to whom it is being done does not think they will be believed if the perpetrator denies the offence. This is because the other person has more power and often that power is public power:  they have friends in high places, power conferred upon them in terms of position or popularity or celebrity, the authority to make decisions and to be obeyed.  And the victim feels, whether or not it is true, that to complain would have a bad effect on their career, life chances or position in the school/classroom.  Above all, it is often the case that those doing the bullying, carrying out the sexual harassment or abuse are categorised as belonging to the ‘great’ and the ‘good’.

It seems that those ‘at the top’, who are often white, men, able-bodied, and middle/upper class people (and adults in the case of children) have more clout than black or mixed race people, women, the disabled, or children.  Their voices are heard. The people at the ‘bottom’ are not taken seriously and their claims are not heard.

Silent Bystanders

In each of the three cases there were people who ‘knew’ that it was happening even if they did not ‘see’ it.  They may have been colleagues of the perpetrator, friends of the victim or people who were themselves in positions of power.  In the case of groping in the group photograph, the day-to-day running of a Children’s Home or the daily routine in a playground, various people will have witnessed the behaviour but have chosen to ignore, condone or stay silent.

So what is it that stops people from saying, “Hey you, stop doing that?”

Is it just British reserve?  Is it a case of, ‘It’s none of my business’ or is it, ‘She/he may be enjoying it and unless she/he complains there is nothing I can do’, or do people just turn away because they don’t want to get involved. Or is it that they don’t want to get ‘into trouble’ – being seen as a snitch, blowing the whistle or interfering.  Whichever of these constraints apply they are pretty powerful.

The Consequences

The consequences for each of the victims are that they fail to perform or realise their potential. The women who are sexually harassed leave, keep a low profile, don’t progress their careers in the way that their fellow colleagues can. Young boys who are sexually abused carry the humiliation, the disgust, the shame and anger with them for years.  Children who are bullied drop out of school, miss education, continue to have mental health disorders and often fail to achieve.

To prevent and to stop this abuse, people (and that means all of us) need to be made aware of the power imbalance and of the abuse this imbalance can bring; they need to hear and respond to the complaints of the victim; bystanders need to speak out, support the victim and confront the person doing the bullying, harassing or abusing by asking questions like: “What are you doing?”, “Did you like what that person said to you?”, “Why are you coming into this Children’s Home?”, and “Why do you want to see that child?”, or “Why is Cathy crying in the playground?”

We can all play a part in preventing and stopping abuse, bullying and harassment.  Be brave!

Bullying and death – it can’t get much worse

Bullying is nasty, insidious, undermining, humiliating behaviour. At a relatively low level it can make you feel bad about yourself, has an impact on your confidence, and makes you suspicious of other people so that you find it difficult to form trusting relationships; at worst it undermines a person so much that they feel they have no worth, no value, no one likes them and they kill themselves.  Whether this is a result of behaviour meted out by students  at school or the cross-examination of a survivor of sexual abuse in a courtroom the tragedy is enormous.  How can we allow children to ‘torture’ and bully a child in their class, the playground, their cohort, football team or street? How can we allow a person to be bullied and mocked publicly and call this acceptable judicial process? 

The first tragedy I am referring to is of a child who killed himself in the West Midlands this week as reported in a national paper.  He was a fifteen-year-old with special education needs who had had a girlfriend for two months. He hanged himself. His mother claims that his death was due to being bullied by classmates. He was taunted and called a paedophile (the girl he was going out with was two years younger than he was) and he was humiliated for not being able to keep up with his schoolwork.

Shall we learn? Do professionals who work with adolescents learn from these tragedies and provide better counselling services, the opportunity for children to speak openly and confidentially with an adult who can help bear the load, change the perspective, and sort out the issues carefully and properly, protect the bullied child for a period until the excesses of the bullying have worn themselves out, and teach those doing it to reframe, rethink and relearn social behaviours?   Or, heaven forbid – even refer the child (because the case is too complex) to a specialist bullying provision, such as Red Balloon, where the child can recover gradually, putting themselves back together, learning new social skills, different strategies for dealing with unwanted behaviour and catching up with their academic work.  And people tell us at Red Balloon that there are no such children – there is no need for our provision – mistakes just happen!

So are we fighting a losing battle?  I shall take you now to where, in January this year, people sat and watched (I hope with horror) a respected person of power, wearing a wig and gown (a disguise) being paid to undermine, humiliate and tear apart a person already fragile from her experiences of sexual abuse.  For a two-hour period the victim was told that she was a fantasist, that she was making the allegations up!  Reported in the paper were some of the questions, statements or rhetorical questions asked by the prosecution barrister.  “It’s utter fantasy, isn’t it?”, “You’ve told this jury a complete pack of lies. Your evidence to this jury is a skewed version of the truth.” The alleged abuser was allowed to call her – publicly –  “depressive, hysterical and a fantasist” and his defence team accused her of making up a “pack of lies”.

How can we condone this behaviour, which looks like, sounds like and clearly feels like bullying. Or perhaps we don’t want to call this behaviour bullying?

And what of the other high profile case in the press this week – Chris Huhne and Vicky Pryce – accusations, incriminations and confessions exposing undisguised brittle, unrestricted hate. Who is bullying whom?

Stop calling children ‘bullies’ when we are talking about behaviour

A bit about ‘bullies’

Please let’s stop calling children ‘bullies’ when we are talking about behaviour (and in that group I mean young people up to the age of sixteen). To call a child a bully is inaccurate, unhelpful and could be damaging. It is the behaviour we need to describe – not the child.

First – let’s get the cards on the table. I believe children are pretty much born as blank canvases – yes they have self-determination and uniqueness – but essentially how they behave are reflections of how they are brought up, the experiences they have and the result of how people treat them.

Bullying behaviour is just one kind of behaviour that children learn – as is loving behaviour, kind behaviour, thoughtful, careless, thieving, confident behaviour and so on.

So how do we get children to behave in civilised ways – to think about others, to read body language, to know when something is unkind, to be polite, to help people, to treat people well, to share, look after and be considerate – well we as adults have to teach them and they as learners have to learn it, practise it, get it wrong, reflect on it and try again. And on the whole it is not learned through shouting, punishment, labelling or chastising.

But I am not too sure it is taught very well these days. Do parents teach children how to share, be kind, be loving, to be polite and helpful in an explicit way? Do schools actually have lessons in sharing, kindness, cooperation or is it presented in a way that it is more caught than taught.

Good behaviour is learned through gentle reminders, practise, reward, commending, teaching and above all role modelling. To learn how to greet someone appropriately we show them that we as adults shake hands, look the person in the eye and say good morning. More intimate friends we smile, kiss them on the cheek and ask them how they are. Children pick up this way of behaving and emulate it from quite a young age. Sometimes a gentle reminder is needed, “Shake hands Jono and say ‘Good Morning’ to Mrs Harris”.

As they grow older so more lessons are learned. How to share, how to compliment, how to ask for something, how to play cooperatively.

However, if these skills are not taught explicitly, either in school or in the home it is unlikely that the child will learn them. On the other hand if they see their parents and teachers shouting, criticising, putting down, grabbing, punishing and embarrassing them these will be the skills (and feelings) that they pick up instead.

And in schools we are not very consistent about teaching children good manners; how to share, to play cooperatively – we let the children out in the playground and tell them to get on with it. In classrooms usually the teacher is in control, taking responsibility for how children behave. “No sit down Claire, wait your turn”. “Bill, can you get the pencils and give them out?”. “Anjali – please collect up the books and put them away.”

So if children use bullying behaviour it is something that we have to teach them not to use. One way of doing that is to compliment them on the behaviour you do like whilst making it clear the behaviour you don’t. “Tilda, please don’t kick Jenni, that is unkind behaviour. You were playing so nicely earlier when you were teaching her how to play draughts. That is the behaviour we want in this classroom please”.

On the topic of truants!

Did you know that there are around 10,000 parents being prosecuted in this country for not sending their children to school?  I find the whole issue of children not going to school an interesting one as well as a difficult one and I am not sure prosecution is the right way forward- in fact in some situations I think it is a completely ridiculous method to use to persuade children to attend school regularly.  So let me unpack the issue of why some children won’t go to school and why some parents don’t make them go.

Two years ago Red Balloon commissioned research and found that there were over 16,000 children between the ages of 11 and 15 in England not in school because they were too frightened to go because of the bullying they were experiencing – whether it was from children or teachers was not known.

As the CE of a charity which deals with children who will not attend school because they have been bullied I meet many parents at their wits’ end with their children, the school, the teachers and their local authority for not dealing with bullying.  How can that be?

I shall tell you a couple of stories about children who ‘truant’ because of bullying, one by their peers and the second by the teachers and the institution.  So surely the parents of these children should be prosecuting rather than being prosecuted?

One child I talked to recently told me that she wouldn’t go to school because she was ‘picked on all the time’.  When she was in the playground she was tormented, teased and humiliated. On a number of occasions her sandwiches were taken from her, passed around the group, broken into pieces and thrown at her.  She told me she found sitting in the lunch hall too dangerous – salt in her water, children staring as she ate, children stealing her chips – so a packed lunch was easier.

She told me that they tripped her up in the classroom, tipped her bag upside down and kicked the contents around the corridors, ‘stole’ her PE kit and wouldn’t let her sit next to them in class.  She said she felt as though she was bad, a nasty girl and that there was something wrong with her.  So she stopped going.

Last week I met a parent who told me her son wouldn’t go to school. I asked, “Why?” “He doesn’t feel valued”, she said. “One of the teachers called him ‘stupid’ and my son doesn’t think they want him to be there”.  She continued,  “They bribe him by telling him to do these sums and then he can play football.  If he doesn’t finish he isn’t allowed to play in the team. The only thing he lives for is football – and this is what they punish him with – so he won’t go.”  Is this bullying? It sounds a bit like it to me.

Calling children ‘stupid’, in whatever tone of voice, is not a great idea – teachers have so much more power than children and however it is meant, it should never be said. And bribing children with something they ‘live for’ seems perverse, to say the least.  I suggested to this parent that she asks that the PE teacher have her son as an apprentice for a few weeks – to play football and do gym and generally help the younger children learn sports skills. In this way he would turn up every day, it would help raise his self-esteem, –and this may in turn make him think he was wanted and valued and as he felt more confident so his enjoyment of education would be awakened.

So perhaps bullying may be a reason why some children won’t go to school.  I wonder how many of the ten thousand parents currently facing prosecution are parents of children bullied by teachers or bullied by their peers.  Either way I wouldn’t go either.